i love her soo much

some people i would die for

some people i would die with

somw people i would die without

and some ppl i would never be whole agian when they left

some people i love so much

theres not a part of me they dont touch

some people i need so bad

when theyre away from me im so sad

i love her

she said she loved me

but when it came to dieing

she left me

just resently my best friend, my lover, and my sister atempted suicide

the day of i ran to her house, 3 miles, just to make sure she was okay i had one of my bad pycic feelings i wanted to save her but not long after i left she atempted suicide i loved her i loved her so much she was my first love my first real love i never felt somwthing like that before and i couldnt stop her i miss her so bad now right now shes in thhe hospital and io cant even tlk to her cuz her dads being an ass

Love

LOVE

Can kill an man

Can cure any illness

Its bitter in the end

In the beginning its sweetened

Its nice before you look twice

and when you look agian

its not a good freind

We need it

We want it

We cant live without it

Trust me! I would know all about it

But it kills us inside

When it runs and hides

Its something we can provide

but not to ourselves

We need someone else

un productive

wow you know whats REALLY sad? when you run out of things to do on facebook and uve been sitting so long ur but goes numb. wow ive had a vry unproductive day

IM IN LOVE!??!?!?!?!?!

wtf why didnt i see this comeing?
i get a freakin awsome bf and dont expect to fall in love but what happens i do! wf im so mad at myself i hought i built a wall that wold keep me from falling in love i thought it cold stand jacob but it cant. you wanna know the sad part? i knew it was going to happen the moment i me him. that little thing whent off in my head "hay zarah you gonna fall in love with this guy. and guess what? it'll suk cuz you'll end up getting hurt in the end"  cuz i know im gonna end p getting hurt i always do and this guy ook down all my defences all of them even the back up so if he ends up stabbing me in the heart it will hut 100000000000X worse it wont just be like :'( it will be like D': with tons of tears and everything
 its really scary i dont wanna fall in love i really dont want to! how do i handle this? i cant dump him cuz that will hurt me and im trying not to be in love with him bu he makes it so fucking hard cuz 1 he's nice 2 he's sexy 3 he's taller then me and thats hard to find at my age 4 he has this way that always pulls me to him 5 every time i even think of him i smile he makes me smile he makes me so happy yet so scared
i love him but i dont wanna love him... what if he doesnt love me? what if im the only one in this realashonship with anything more than sex in mind/ no he's not like that he may have a big dick but he's not a dick
i hope he feels the same way otherwise it will drive me crazy

party like a f***ing rcokstar

lol so yesterday i got stoned it was fucking harlaryous special since i cont remember much all i can really remember is the everting was in like 3d and i couldnt tell when i was awake or dreaming cuz everything felt lik a dream it was so funny. but theres like only one downside to me getting stoned... i cant remeber shit. not just from last night but from like a week ago i dont even know the last time i got layed. i cant even rember going to school its so fucking trippy! so ya i paartyed like a rock star like twice this week and niw i cant remeber shit but i do remeber that i promised my bf id stop smokeing... look how that turned out. im probibly the last person you should belive when i say "im gonna stop doing drugs" cuz i cant help it when the oprotunity shows itself i have to take it. im one of those ppl who dont take things for granted when somethings there and i want it ill tke it and when i want something i get it wheather you like it or not lol

im gonna die

im gonna die im gonna die Jacob just told me that his mom found one of the condom wrappers and hasn't said anything! does that mean shes mad? does hat mean she thinks im a whore? im scared she'll never let me see him again omg i swear when he told me my heart stopped from fear i swear im gonna die!

HORNY MUCH?

4-20 is national stoner day but guess what i was doing on national stoner day... not geting high thats what. i was so unhappy yesterday all i did was sleep i wanted sooo bad to get stoned but oh well tomarrow i get to get stoned with my bf and have agressive drug sex with him lol he's never seen my high and he'll never want to forget it. but funny enough i dont need to be high to be horny around him he knows exactly how to get me in bed lol adn when he does... OMFG it is amazing we've only had sex twice but when we do DAMN it is hot and sweaty last time he did it so hard my vag hurts lol

naughty dreams

okay i will admit i had a naughty dreram about my new amazing boyfriend jacob

first i was trying to find him at our school but got lost multipl times than i was trying to find his house but as soon as i found it i freaked cuz he had a scary dad than when i fianaly did come up some how some way i took off my shirt and walked around shirtless, i coved my boobs with my hands than jacob was tryuiing to find a vest that would work with his outfit and when i tryed to kiss him he would stop me than poit out we were around his family lol (BLUSH) than i got my shirt back on and we left we went walking around the school, there was pizza every where like someone had just throw a huge pizza party. he wraped his ands around my torso and i put my hands up around his neck than he started whispering naughty things to me and kissing my neck i said  " don't do things iw ould like" in a jokeing a horny way but he kept doing it and i realised i was geting horny than i woke up and realized justin was sitting next to me on the couch (BLUSH AND SCREAM SHIT IN MY HEAD) it was vry unconfortable UHG!! i wish it really was like that oh and did i mention that in my dream jacobs grandma was a pot dealer?... ya she tryed to sell me cronic but i had no money so me and jacobs bro tryed to steal some and got caught lol it was soooo funny

this is jacob isnt he awsome looking?!

3/11/11

hay its me, holder of light, that i may be
but ya today i went to school as usual. than i went on the bus and spoke to madi( ya the awsome one whos arm smells great) lol i didnt get to that part yet =o oh well so we were sitting on the bus and we were talking about smells and so i sniffed her and relized her arm smelled great. haha i got some funnyu looks. so after we got off the bus we went to the book store, we're both abosolute book ffreaks. and we didnt plan to spend 3 hours there but we did haha it was funny. me and her went home i got changed into something a lil' more confy than we walked around town it was fun but i had alot of time to think.

i realized i miss my mom, shes in new orliens for marti graw. ya i dont like her alot but i still ove her and if you love some one you cant help but miss them when their like a bizillion miles away. and i also realized i might be depressed. but i dont wanna be depressed so im gonna fight till the death with it wich hopefuly will turn out in my favor( the good one) like me not dieing so ya... im not willing to take antidepressants and i wont do anything unnatural like drugs or something stupid like theripy or counseling so ya im just gonna try and balance out my energy with more positive efectsts and work trew it but ya thats all for today folks so ill post later peace to the out

Im gonna speak

Alright... so i fight my way to the place i am today and this morning i went to CHALLENGE DAY at school. for those of you who might read this if there is one at your school GO! its fun and its a good way to get ur feelings out. but as i was saying... i fight for who i am and i totaly ruined my bad chick image today. I CRYED!!! of all the things that i could have done i cryed! so ya but it was still fun.
but i realized something to day... no matter how alone we feel we have options. we can live with it and end it with suicide, we can deal with it and find someone like us. cuz we're not always alone there IS ppl just like us just waiting to find someone just like them YOU. so if you were hurt and if your going threw a hard time DON'T do it alone cuz if you do it will be way harder than you want it to be.
i found two ppl today they went threw the same thing as me and are willing to help me. you know whats sad? they were there the whole time! those ppl are my bestfriends CINDY & MADI and i cryed into cidys chest for like 5 min i got makeup on her shirt and probibly a lil' snot to but still she let me and afterwards madi huged me and in all my life i have never had a more meaningful hug. i told them my story and i cryed a lil' more but im not weak for crying im just weak for doing it in public. but i love them and ill forever be greatful of them because with out them... i wouldnt be here to write. i would have cumited suicide or atempted to. they are my world and they are my LIFE they are the only things holding me back for now but soon... hopefuly... i wont need them to hold me back soon... hopefuly... ill be able to do it myself

Shut it N Listen

CAN'T YOU HEAR ME?
I'M SCEAMING FREAKIN BLOODY MURDER!
WHY THE F*** CAN'T YOU READ THE SIGHNS!
COME ON!
JUST SHUT UP AND FREAKIN' LISTEN!